Sunday, August 26, 2012

Thankyou and Goodnight.

So I gatecrash the Rick Shapiro Benefit night.
I’m always gatecrashing.
My motto is if you ever want to leave the house don’t wait to be invited.
Just invite yourself.
Lawless was lovely. She welcomed me with her fabulous smile and her generous vibe. She even welcomed my Camera! Which was very brave, because she works with Comics. And Comics hate Cameras. I learned this during the Adelaide Fringe.

It’s not that they’re afraid of over-exposure. Exposing themselves is what comics should be good at. It’s more that their shtick is a Glory Box full of jokes that they hoard like old Spinsters. They haul that box (no guts,no glory) around a tired and predictable circuit. And keep pulling those jokes out out again and again. Desperately hoping that their audience is younger and fresher than the material they’re serving. And nobody in the room has Altzeimers. Because you do not want an audience who has access to their long term memory.
That is a Seasoned Comic’s nightmare.
And now thanks to YOU TUBE the Glory Box is on the lawn because every pervert has a camera. Including me. Look Out! It’s a Mash Up! Hide your shtick before it turns into bubble and squeee…
I’m not digressing. I’m RANTING.
but I figured that should be the spirit of a Rick Shapiro benefit night. Since Shapiro is the master of the Rant and the Outlaw of the circuit. I was there to celebrate that spirit! Well it’s not like I was there for the Comedy. Because the truth is I can only love Comics from a distance. Too many issues. They’re more fucked up than Poets. At least Poets don’t work to a punch line. Unless they’re Slam Poets and then they just work to a punch in the head.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I don’t know that Poets are hideous. They drink all your wine and they bludge all your ciggies and then they want to read you their work! To get feedback! As if you haven’t given enough already. But at least they say Thanks after draining you dry !
Unlike Comics!
They just pull it out, wipe it. And then try to turn that soggy tissue into material. They expect unconditional love. They mistake every woman (not wearing a g.string and a fake tan) for Mother.
Comics are the reason why Judith Lucy looks so worn out. It’s from years of swanning around that big fat boys club full of whining man/children who know that they’ll never be men. So their only revenge is to ignore any woman over 25 not sporting a Brazilian. Judith Lucy would have had to sit through years of sexist jokes, pissed blokes and open mics to get where she is today. What a martyr. The smaller the cock the bigger the Booby prize. Booby being the operative word.

Not that I blame them! You only have to look at their audience to understand how Comics are formed. Poets can afford to be thinkers because they know that at least half their audience has read a book, at least once in their life, from beginning to end. Comics, on the other hand, are appealing to an audience with ADD. Three lines and they’re fading. So you gotta hit em hard and fast where they’ve still got a nerve. Which is basically below the belt . Somewhere between their clit and their pocket.
It’s like fifty shades of ‘Spare me’.
It’s not that comedy doesn’t have its occasional Genius. But on the whole most Comics don’t think. They just reflect the culture. And the culture is Reality Television, Celebrity and Master Chef , Renovations, Strip clubs, Bald Beaver and women who have to act like porn stars to get any attention. And lets not forget Rape. Rape is Trending. Not only on stage but all over the internet. There’s the Swedish definition of rape and then there’s the idea of Rape as a form of contraception. Which was trending last week in the ol USA. There’s actually a lot to say about Rape. It’s a gold mine of material, but when you’re working to a punch line it’s important to stay superficial. Which the US visiting Comic managed to do with aplomb. He asked not to be part of my video. I suspect that’s because I turned off my camera in the middle of his set and started drinking. So It’s like some one telling you to fuck off after you’ve already hung up on them. I cannot remember his name…

The female Comic had already killed any oncoming rape jokes by talking about the trapped nerve in her Lady Bits. At the end of her set I just wanted to hug her. It felt mean to laugh. It was more like a scene from Embarrassing Bodies than a Stand Up routine. Her Vagina was a war zone. It had probably heard too many rape jokes. A life in Comedy is enough to make any cunt shut shop.
Which may explain why arsehole is the new pussy?
You could possibly blame Rick Shapiro for this. He was the first Comic in my memory to expose Ass Fucking as the new Olympic sport. Just like Russel Brand brought wheel chair sex to the world of Katy Perrry. Shapiro pulled the curtain on that dirty little back door and made us peer in where we ‘(didn’t) came from. Where’s there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. He’s like the Pied Piper of the large intestine... a million young Comics have since followed him up that ass and got lost…
Because the difference between Shapiro and his imitators is that he channels while he boxes. He lives somewhere between the gladiator pit and the art house. He may hit below the belt but he ignites and he transcends. He pulls out your liver and dangles it under the light.
At least that’s how I remember him.

I saw him one night in New York. After I’d just got off stage from a Poetry Anthology launch at The New School. I was punch drunk and dizzy and lonely and alienated. I couldn’t remember why I performed? It didn’t get me money and it didn’t get me laid. It just got me PTSD, poverty and a permanent headache. In the aftermath of 9-11 it felt dangerous and fruitless. It was the type of existential crisis that only a performer would understand.
So we all wandered down to a late night comedy club and there was Shapiro and for his thirty minute set every thing made sense. And I’m not in the mood to describe why that is. But ever since then I felt grateful. Which is why I gate crashed his benefit night with my video camera when I heard about his 'heart incident'.
But hell is paved with good intentions.
I put that video on his facebook page and everyone ignored it. Including Shapiro.
But the You tube page has two dislikes so someone's watching. And I bet they're both Comics.
In Comedy there is no love. And what love there is
Is Lawless.
Which brings me back to the woman who made this night happen. She booked the gig, put out the hat and welcomed the punters. She’ll send off that cheque without taking a cut. She’s a trooper, a sport and a comedy legend.
She also said Thanks.
She was the only one.
I rest my (camera) case.

>And Exit stage left…


  1. fuck me you write better than any of the cunts. that was a wild read.

  2. Great editing. Very clever.

  3. great read ... do you recall the name of the token female comic - talking about the trapped nerve in her Lady Bits. Sounds like an interesting one woman play

  4. great read ... do you recall the name of the token female comic - talking about the trapped nerve in her Lady Bits. Sounds like an interesting one woman play